Reflections

'and sometimes we hit rewind, and as the memories reverse, we let out a sigh of relief and catch our breath as we hit stop, only to let it play out a different story line.'

I used to be an avid writer. I used to write little quotes, like the one above, poems, stories, random things.

But then I lost it all. Or more like I let it hibernate. I slowly became everything I hated, someone who wasn't passionate, that didn't care, that was always unhappy.

Slowly, I'm finding myself again. I realized something is only lost if you let it be lost and don't care enough to regain it. Thus the hibernating comment. I love who I was, who I am, who I can be and I'm getting her back. Each day, a little more, a little better than the day before.

On the journey of losing her, I lost a lot of people that I loved and cared about, I lost a lot of friends and I could've lost even more than that. But as I work on rebuilding her, I realize what some of my mistakes were, I realize that not every person that comes into your life is meant to stay and if you really want some of those persons to not stay lost, you must reach out. Which is much easier said than done. I think my next entry is going to be a letter to those lost. Know that no matter what happened between us, that no matter where we are in our lives, no matter when, I will always be the person you can call (text, message, insta, whatever) to talk to. I will always be there. There are very few people in this world that I would refuse a moment of solace to and even now, as I sit here typing this, I can't think of more than a couple of names. Even then, my personality would probably let them in, listen to their woes, and offer them a word of kindness. For it is better to be kind, and give love, than it is to speak ill and spread hate.

I've recently gotten back into praying. I try not to pray only for myself, but for others around me, friends, family, lost souls and anyone that comes to mind while I'm praying. I haven't been much for the prayers since I was younger but I think it helps bring a peace, a calm, even if you don't necessarily believe in miracles. I guess one of the keys is to make your prayers simple. Not every prayer needs to be a miracle. I recently asked for peace in returning home. I was really afflicted about coming back to the US and moving back to Maryland. I prayed on it while I was in Dublin and in London. I got really sick this week with I believe strep throat which gave me lots of time to lay around and reflect. While reflecting, I realized I was ready to go back. Not just to see my family, which I'd been ready to do for awhile. But to go back, finish school, pursue my future.

I'd really thought I lost myself. Law school is tougher than you can even imagine and due to some other personal circumstances, I had lost myself and given up on myself some. Instead of facing the challenges and having them propel me forwards, striving to do my best, I fell behind. I felt self pity and I felt that I was up against a battle I could not win. As I have traveled and reflected on my life, I've realized every situation I've been in, every situation I've faced, I could conquer. I just didn't believe in myself enough and that is something I'm working on. It's funny that sometimes we don't think we have it in us but everyone who sees us, believes in us, supports us, KNOWS that we can do it - and more. Why can't we accept their words as truth? It's taken me awhile to get back to this point, the point where I know I have it in me to do my best, to push myself, to pursue something that I enjoy and that will allow me to create something. I don't plan on losing it again.

Shoutout to my family who has always had my back, and even in my darkest of times, seems to know when to do something to help pull me out of it - even if its something as 'simple' as sending an expensive package of cookies, fudge, and snacks across the ocean with the most heartwarming card, the cards that I always save to look back on and remember that if my mother thinks I can conquer the world and shoot for the moon, that's just the bar she has set for me to reach and shoot past, achieving more than our wildest dreams could imagine.

ps. clearly, the writer is back. I struggled with the first few lines and before I knew it, I was spewing paragraphs. Cheers.