The Stages Of a Law School Final (as told by Elle Woods)

As I wrap up my last week of studying for law school finals, before I walk across the stage to get my "diploma" (until my final grades are released) and then go on to study for the ever looming and intimidating bar exam - I like to think back to the stages of how we law students study for our law school finals, as told by the greatest law student of all time, Elle Woods. If she's not an inspiration, I don't know what is.*

Beginning Stage: Your friends are all freaking out because they haven't been working on their outline during the entire semester and now have to start one a month before the final so they're NOT BEHIND, which is something they always seem to be worried about even though you know they'll get it done before you do but like so what? Why start any earlier than necessary? That's, like, why we have a reading week?

So reading week rolls around and you decide it's time to buckle down. You hit up your local Starbucks, get a grande vanilla latte, low-fat, because it's almost summer (and beach bod, amirite?), you're wearing normal clothes like a dress or shorts, a nice shirt, and sandals because you're still feeling optimistic and hopeful. You get to school, you find a quiet nook in the library and sit down with your Macbook and decide to work it out on this outline, which by the way will be killer.

You start reviewing the information and realize... this is a little tougher than you thought, you must have skipped a class or two and are missing a few notes where maybe you were daydreaming about Emmett so you decide it's time to call up reinforcements.

"Hey Vivian, it's Elle! I was just wondering if you wanted to get together and study torts? A little DBCD, girl! I'm in the library, see you soon!" You hang up before she can say no, so you know she's coming. Competitive or nah, you don't leave a sister studying on their own after they specifically call for help. You just don't. So Vivian shows up and you really get down to business. Like, you were serious before, but now you're REALLY serious.

So you get a day or two of studying done and you're still feeling pretty confident. You've made it about halfway through the outline when it hits you... you see the words on the page, you see the professor has marked that it was on the class powerpoint, but not the textbook... so you look through your notes, you look through the powerpoint, but nothing.... there is nothing. Ok, just one part, we'll come back to it. Then you see it again. And again. And slowly your face starts to fall and you start to spiral....

You start questioning all your life choices. Should I have not missed that class? What if the notes I got from Vivian weren't complete, what if I read the wrong chapter? You start wearing sweats and messy buns. Then slowly, this self questioning delves into more serious life questioning, what if I went to lunch that day instead of eating at home and that caused me to be two minutes late to class and they explained everything about how to study for the final, what if I had saved that $1 on a candy bar last year, bought a lottery ticket and won the lottery, what if I had tried harder on the ACT and gotten into a better college? What if I had NEVER gone to law school in the first place? What is the meaning of life!?!?!? I can't, people, I just can't.

Then you realize, this isn't your fault at all! It's totally the professor's fault. Maybe they didn't teach the subject well, maybe they didn't teach you at all! Maybe, they told you the entire test would focus on class discussions that were loosely focused on some bogus powerpoints filled with Chinese proverbs, words in large print and an assortment of poorly pixelated photographs that DON'T EVEN MATTER because, hey, btw, you can only bring in the textbook. Which doesn't match up to the powerpoints, which again, are only loosely based on the professor's ramblings. So you go from worried, to hysterical, to angry in 0 to 60 flat. You resign for the day, deciding to eat bon bons in bed while watching CSI, hoping that maybe you'll learn something there because reality television is loosely based on reality and it's #truth. Or at least that's what you're going to tell yourself as you binge watch a season, pretending it's relevant.

Now that you've procrastinated for a full day (or two), you buckle down once again. You've got the basics now, you've found some caveats (which at first you thought was like a fancy appetizer and realized it just meant a certain condition placed on something. Lame.) You can at least guess what some of the professor's hypotheticals will be on the test. They'll try to be tricky, but you know their game. There are still some issues that have you feeling all "WHAT.IS.THIS." but you can deal. You print your outline, you make *scented* flashcards, and you study your little butt off. You get ready for the big day, get some rest, wake up feeling like a new person and waltz into that test like you own the place. You got this. It's like C-Span but not boring.

You patiently wait for the proctor to tell you the rules: to check your pages and write your blind grading ID on the booklet and on the test cover. You make sure your drinks, pens, highlighters, stickies and ear plugs are all lined up in a row on your desk, nice and tidy. Naturally, everything is a beautiful shade of pink to make it *interesting* and just so you. Plus, pink is totally your power color. Obvs. The proctor finally says begin and you read through the first question. Ok, I can do this! But finally, a few questions in, you hit a roadblock.

Ok, I'll come back to this, you think. I'll make note that I didn't answer question 9 and move on. You finally reach question 50 of the multiple choice and realize you've got about 8 questions you didn't know or were unsure about. You look at the clock and think, just keep moving, you've got four essays to do as well. Let's get those started. First one's a breeze, you remember doing a similar hypo in class. Second, gets a little tougher. Third one, another roadblock. The hypo itself is a page and a half long, and that's before you get to the question. Who writes these things anyways? The professor knows they have to grade our answers too right? You set a timer on the test and try to finish the essays. In the back of the mind, you know you just have to do it, but why can't things be as simple as the bend and snap? Could I bend and snap for an A? No, focus on the test. Torts, torts, torts, torts, torts.

You go back through and try to look for answers to the multiple choice questions you weren't sure about. You now have thirty minutes left of your three hour exam. Do you call it a day and hope for the best or do you go back through and check your answers and re-read your essays? You didn't come to law school to wimp out, so you go through the multiple choice and make sure all of the answers match up. Then you start to re-read your essays. Wow, the answer to number four didn't even make sense. Glad I read back through this! Now you've got five minutes. You awkwardly sit there, hoping not to disrupt other students but not being able to handle to look at your answers any longer. The clock slowly ticks and finally hits one minute left so you upload your test to the Great Beyond and slowly start putting things away. You run to the bathroom after the test (you've been holding it in for three hours and drank a LOT of coffee/water/energy drinks) and realize you look like this:

But hey, you survived! You flatten your hair, wipe away the tears, and go out with all of your friends to have a mini whine-fest about question 38, that third essay, and just, seriously, like whole thing. What were they thinking? Did we even TALK about that? Like I didn't think so either! But all the while, you're thinking to yourself:

And if any of the younger law school kids ask how the class was, how the professor was, and most importantly how the final was, you're response is just going to be: Such a breeze, what, like it's hard?

* also, this is me procrastinating studying for my last law school final. Cheers!